


It's Better To Burn Than To Fade Away (It's Better To Leave Than To Be Replaced)

by Phanwich



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (don't get used to it), 2012 Dan Howell/Phil Lester, 2012 Phan, Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Happy Ending, Fights, Getting Back Together, M/M, Ouch, Please Don't Hate Me, Post-Break Up, Rough Kissing, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-02-08 22:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 5,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12874575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phanwich/pseuds/Phanwich
Summary: 2012 isn't going so great, to say the least.





	1. It's Better To Burn Than To Fade Away (It's Better To Leave Than To Be Replaced)

**Author's Note:**

> Was originally a one chapter work. People asked for a full story. I delivered. ^-^

Dan can't believe this.

Years of keeping his and Phil's relationship private and away from prying eyes, and now it's fully exposed and being picked apart by the internet like vultures would a carcass.

His relationship with Phil is personal- something for them and no one else, something he wants kept out of sight. It's not for others to comment on, to judge and make ridiculous statements and accusations on.

Certainly not for their viewing pleasure.

"Fuck!" Dan shouts, slamming his laptop shut angrily. "It's not fair! It's absolutely not fucking fair!" Part of him wants Phil to rush in and ask what's wrong, but the other half wants to shove Phil as far away as possible.

It's easy to tell which side of his brain is telling him what.

His feelings say he needs Phil to stay close, that he needs to keep Phil near. Phil is one of Dan's only friends, after all, and social interaction is a vital part of staying healthy.

The logical side says he needs Phil out of his life, at least for now. He needs to shove him away and sort through it all without his feelings tainting and twisting his judgement.

The bad thing is, Dan agrees with them both.

"I hate it!" he groans, slamming his head down on the desk. This time, Phil appears.

"Hey," he whispers quietly, opening Dan's bedroom door. "Are you alright?" Dan looks up, turning to face Phil.

Phil's certainly looked better in his life. His blue eyes are rimmed with red from crying and there are dark circles beneath them that suggest he hasn't slept in days. His pale skin is sallow and his hands shake- he hasn't eaten today, Dan is sure.

"Dan," Phil says gently, bringing Dan back to the present.

"I-I'm fine," Dan mutters. Phil frowns.

"Don't lie to me," he requests. "I don't deserve that."

Don't deserve that.

The words trigger something, and Dan explodes.

"No fucking shit you don't deserve that!" he shouts, standing so fast he knocks the chair over. Phil looks startled, and he blinks quickly in a way that tells Dan he's trying not to cry again. "You don't deserve anything you have! You don't deserve me, you don't deserve all this shit! You're better than all this, don't you get it? I'm nothing but a constant curse in your life, Philip, and the sooner you understand and accept that, the better."

"I know I- I know I don't deserve you," Phil stammers. "I don't deserve to have such a kind person in my life. You think I don't know that? I do! I know it all, Daniel!" Dan growls.

"Fuck off!" he screams, shoving Phil back on the bed. Phil gasps, clearly alarmed as Dan climbs over the top of him. "You're worth more than what I can give you!" Dan cries, tears streaming down his face as he presses his lips to Phil's. It's selfish, he knows, but he wants Phil- needs him, even- and he can't bring himself to give him up just yet. Phil kisses back, tangling his hands in Dan's hair. It's messy, desperate and full of fear, grief, sadness, anger and frustration. Dan suddenly pulls back, his lips kiss-swollen and shiny with both saliva and tears.

"Dan," Phil whispers, staring up at him and gently touching his cheek. Dan shakes his head, and his throat closes up as he realises what he has to do if he wants Phil to stay safe, stay whole.

He has to break up with him. Officially break it off, no strings attached.

"Ph-Phil," Dan stutters, his chest tight and whole body shaking. "I can't do this anymore." Phil pales even more, if possible.

"No," he breathes, the word barely audible. "No, Dan, you can't."

"I'm- I'm breaking it off," Dan manages, standing up on trembling legs. Phil pushes himself up into a sitting position, his blue eyes strangely hollow.

"Daniel, if you've ever loved me, ever cared about even just a little bit, please don't do this," he begs. Dan doesn't reply.

He's too selfish to risk losing the only good thing in his fucked up life.


	2. You’re The Only One Worth Seeing, The Only Place Worth Being (The Only Bed Worth Sleeping Is The One Right Next To You)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked. I delivered. 
> 
> Signed, sealed and gifted.
> 
> Mwa! \\(^-^)/

If it was bad before, it’s worse now.

Dan hardly speaks to Phil, except out of need. Phil avoids him as much as he can, because he can’t handle all the reminders of what was. It’s over now.

Phil can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt every time he sees a still of that video, or a link to it. Technically, shouldn’t he be angry? It’s his material, after all, and he asked people not to spread it. 

Maybe Dan was right- he's too nice.

Phil sighs, looking out the window. Rain streaks down the glass, and he touches it gently. It's cold.

Nowhere near as cold as life inside the flat is, though.

Icy silence. Cold shoulder.

It's practically frozen.

Phil chokes back a sob, wiping his eyes. It's not fair. He only wanted to create, to live with the person he loved, and now that's being taken away. The only thing he wanted is gone.

At least he never said his name.

It won't be long, though.

Anonymity on the internet has been hard for Phil to keep. He's taken as many precautions as possible to keep his middle and surname away from the internet, but he won't be able to keep it much longer.

They'll take everything away.

First private relationships.

Then Dan.

Then peace of mind.

Then sanity.

And personal details are soon to follow.

Phil lies down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. It doesn't feel like his room. It feels like it belongs to a stranger, because Phil would never let this happen.

He just needs Dan.

A rush of bravery goes through him, and he stands, throwing open his door. He marches into Dan's, and the younger boy hardly has time to look up from his desk before Phil is kissing him. Dan lets out a sound of surprise, but kisses back.

He's forgotten that they aren't allowed to do this anymore. It's wrong, it shouldn't be done, but it's so right all at once and Phil can't physically form thoughts.

But Dan remembers.

"What the hell are you doing?" he shouts, yanking back and shoving Phil away. "You can't do that!"

"Wh-" Phil begins, but Dan has stood up and is pushing Phil out the door.

"Stay the fuck out of my room!" he spits, slamming the door and locking it. Phil stares in shock, and the full weight of what he's done hits him.

Oh, shit.

If there was a chance of recovering their relationship, it flew out the window the second Phil's lips touched Dan's.

Phil doesn't remember walking to his room, doesn't remember curling up beneath his duvet, doesn't remember starting to cry. It all blurs, all runs together like paint. The ink is running down the page.

Northern downpour sends its love.

Phil stays like that for a long time, until he has no tears left to let fall, until his chest aches and his throat is raw with grief. He screams into his pillow, sobbing brokenly.

It hurts so much.

He never asked for this pain, so why did he get it?

He may never know.


	3. This Man, This Dutiful Man Has A Sense Of Devotion (This Man, This Dutiful Man Has Mixed Up Emotions)

It's the kiss. That's what set this spiral in motion.

That what Dan keeps telling himself, anyway.

He tells himself that he should have let Phil go that day. He shouldn't have kissed him and then broken up with him. He shouldn't have let Phil kiss him, either. He shouldn't have done any of it.

So it's his fault.

It's stupid to dwell on what is who's fault, but Dan can't help it. Everything is horrible, it's all going terribly wrong. This whole year, he can tell, is going to be shit- complete and utter shit.

Maybe he should apologise to Phil. Explain that he can't handle the complication of romance on top of everything else. Maybe he should let Phil know it's not him- it's Dan.

He should, but he can't.

To do so would be to sacrifice his pride, and Dan hasn't got much else going for him as it is.

His stomach twists and knots as he hears Phil crying through the wall. He meant what he said that day- Phil doesn't deserve this shit. He doesn't deserve the pain and misery that Dan brings everywhere he goes. He's horrible, and while he knows it, Phil seems blind to that fact.

So Dan doesn't say anything, but rather shoves  _Origin Of Symmetry_ into his computer and goes back to working. If Phil can't see how awful he is, he'll make him see.

And after ten minutes, Dan becomes aware of the tears streaking down his face, blurring his screen.

This was a horrible choice of music, he realises.  _Origin Of Symmetry,_ this was the album he and Phil played together on repeat during those couple days he stayed at Phil's back in 2009. He can remember staying up all night, laughing and joking while Matt Bellamy sang in the background, the music creating a soundtrack for their first... well, first everythings, really.

Their first night together. Their first kiss. Setting up for their first video.

Great, now Muse is forever associated with Phil and those happy times that are now long gone as well.

It seems that no matter what Dan does, it will never be enough. It will never be right. No matter what he does, he will never be able to forget, either, and that hurts the most. He wishes he could purge the memories from his mind, but at the same time, he never wants to forget them, either, because Phil really is the best thing to ever happen to him.

Too bad Dan can't be the same for him. 


	4. Everything You Say Sounds Like Sweet Talk To My Ears (You Could Yell “Won’t You Stay Away?” And It’d Still Be Sweet Talk To Me)

Instants and seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years.

They mean nothing.

Phil is a wreck. He can pull himself together long enough to appear normal in public or on camera, but he always reverts to his state of bitterness.

So does Dan.

It's horrible, really, the way they can act like nothing has happened when in reality everything has happened and is happening and will happen.

Phil tries to break the ice a few times. He speaks to Dan about current events, about music, brings him food... but Dan hardly reacts anymore. Phil is lucky to get a mumbled response and a second of eye contact. 

Dan's a shell of his former self.

And so is Phil. 

It aches terribly. Phil only wants for things to return to normal. 

As he predicted, his name was revealed, but not in the way he expected. He supposes he must have shared it at some point on a social media site, because it's there, under his profile. He doesn't bother trying to fix it.

It's all useless anyway.

Life has no meaning. Time is irrelevant. Happiness is but a dream.

And one day it happens. His fingers brush Dan's, and the younger boy reacts.

Granted, it's an explosive reaction, but it's still better than Phil could have hoped for.

"Stop!" Dan shouts, pulling his hand away. "Goddamn it, you don't know how to take no for an answer, do you?"

"What-" Phil begins, but Dan cuts him off angrily.

"You need to fucking stop dwelling on the past, Phil!" he snaps. "It's over. We're not a item anymore. We never will be again. Hell, I don't know if we ever even _were_ , so quit it!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Phil demands. Dan freezes, thinking back to what he said. 

"Nothing," he says finally. Phil is riled up and ready for a fight, though. The heated anger in the air is a hundred million times better than the icy silence that he's grown all too accustomed to.

"Oh, like hell it was nothing!" Phil snarls. Dan flinches. "I can swear too, you know. Acting like a fool isn't exclusive to you, I hope you know." Dan scoffs angrily.

"Fuck off!" he shouts. "God, you're such an arsehole!"

"Says the prick!" Phil exclaims. "I hate you sometimes, you know that? You act like the whole goddamned world revolves around you, but you never stopped to think about what was happening with me!"

"For the love of-" Dan begins, but Phil presses a hand over his mouth, his blue eyes cold and hard.

"Shut up," he growls, ignoring Dan's expression of surprise. "Just fucking _stop talking!_ You speak, but you never say anything. You run your mouth nonstop but you haven't got anything worth listening to and I'm sick of it! For  _three years_ it's been nothing but constant negativity and I'm  _done!_ I can't fucking handle your shit, Daniel!" That does it, and Dan bites Phil's fingers, hard. Phil yanks his hand back, trying to keep from hitting the younger boy.

Never has Phil wanted to hurt Dan, but in this moment, he's thinking that the brunette might have it coming.

"You think you're the right one every time!" Dan spits, shoving Phil away. "You think you know everything, but you don't know _anything!_ "

"Shut up!" Phil screeches. "Do you honestly believe that you're the world's easiest person to live with? News flash- you're not!"

"Look at it from my perspective, you shit!" Dan cries. "You think you've got it all figured out, but you don't!"

"Explain it then!"

"Fine! You complain about what comes out of my mouth, but what you fail to see is that what I say comes from somwhere! You can get away if you need to- I can't! I'm stuck in my head all the time! Every single moment of _every fucking day!_ It never stops! So stop acting like you know what it's like, because half the shit I think doesn't get said!"

"Stop!" Phil pleads. His head is pounding, his heart is racing. He wants nothing more than to kiss Dan as hard as he can, to _make_ the boy stop talking, to shove him down on the couch and force him to take what he's given.

He wants to, he wants to, he wants to...

...but he doesn't, because Dan is always right, and Phil is always wrong. Yet, Phil isn't completely unsatisfied with the results. He's more than happy that he managed to work Dan up into a fevered, swearing frenzy. 

Dan could yell "Piss off! Won't you stay away?" and it would still be music to Phil's ears. Any interaction with Dan is better than what he was getting.

It doesn't last, though. 

The ice returns. It creeps up over the windows and freezes over their skin, trapping them in a crystal prison only they can see.


	5. You Know That I Can't Trust Myself With My Three AM Shadow (I'd Rather Fuel A Fantasy Than Deal With This Alone)

Dan paces back and forth.

Five to the left. Ten to the right. Ten to the left. Five to the right. Pause. Five to the left. Ten to the right. Ten to the left. Pause.

He can't make his head shut up. He needs it to stop, but it won't.

Normally, this is the point where he would go to Phil and they would have a nice conversation, complete with comforting kisses and maybe a little bit of sex, but that's over. Those times are gone.

Dan pauses, his right foot staying in the air.

 _But_ , he thinks,  _are they really?_ He bets that Phil wouldn't object if he went into his room- the older boy craves attention in ways he's been denied of for months. And Dan...

Well, he could really use a distraction right now.

It's a horrible, horrible idea, he knows. Sex... is alluring, but it will end painfully and miserably for them both. Yet, Dan would much rather give himself over than continue this maddening spiral.

So he does.

He slips silently into Phil's room, sitting on the edge of the older boy's bed.

"Hey," Dan whispers. "You awake?" Phil makes a noise of confusion as he sits up, grabbing his glasses and squinting at Dan.

"Yeah," he mumbles sleepily. "What's up?" Dan draws in a deep breath.

_Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God._

Dan doesn't let himself dwell on what he's doing any longer. He leans forward and presses his lips to Phil's, kissing the raven hard. Phil makes a sound of surprise, and Dan takes the opportunity to slide his tongue into his mouth.

_You went from prey to predator, Howell. Look at what you've done, look at what you're doing. Selfish twat. You don't even care about what you're doing to him- you care about yourself and no one else._

Dan silences his head by focusing on Phil, who's stopped trying to push him away and started fighting for dominance. Dan lets his hands wander over Phil's body, his fingers sliding under his pyjamas. Phil makes a sound of impatience, grabbing ahold of Dan's wrists and flipping over so that Dan is beneath him. Phil detatches his mouth from Dan's, kissing over the younger boy's neck in the way he knows drives him wild. Dan whimpers, tilting his head further back and giving Phil more access.

"Please," he begs. "Fuck, Phil!"

"Shh," Phil whispers against his skin, licking over it gently. Dan draws in a shaky breath, surprised by how much he's enjoying this.

_Oh, don't act like that. This was never a selfless act, Daniel. You wanted him just as badly._

_That is... unfortunately true._

Dan tangles a hand through Phil's dark hair, forcing the older boy's lips against his own. Phil bites at his bottom lip, and Dan moans softly. He lets his free hand wander down Phil's body, tugging down the raven's pyjamas. Phil still doesn't wear anything under them, he notices...

...and it's all downhill from here.


	6. There's No Use Trying To Fight It 'Cause You've Fought It Long Enough (It Starts With Lies And Leads To Hate And Hate To Sex And Sex To Drugs)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally this was going to be smut but then I was like "nah I don't really feel like writing a sex scene right now so fuck it let's keep it PG-13 for now."  
> But I kept the chapter title because why not?

Phil pulls back and removes Dan's shirt, dipping in and kissing the younger boy again. Dan shivers as Phil's fingers brush over his chest, and he lets out a pitiful mewl when Phil starts at his jeans.

"Fuck, please," Dan begs. Phil doesn't reply, kicking off his own pyjama bottoms.

 _This is the worst idea you've had in years, Phil_ , he tells himself.

 _Yeah, that's_ _true_ , Phil allows, _but how can I say no when he's offering himself up like this? He's had it coming a long time._

That's the issue right there, Phil realises. He wants Dan to submit to him, wants to push him and break him down, make him feel inferior, the way Dan has to Phil for so long. If Phil were to have sex with him right now, it would be angry and rough and they would both walk away even worse off.

That's not right.

Phil yanks back, his face burning. He stands up, pulling his pyjamas back on. Dan sits up, looking confused and hurt.

"What-" he begins, but Phil shakes his head.

"No," he says quietly. "I can't."

"Phil," Dan whispers. "You-"

"It's always me, isn't it?" Phil laughs humourlessly. "I try to kiss you, it's my fault. I accidentally touch you, it's my fault. You come in here and kiss me and try to lure me into bed, it's my fault. I'm done."

"No, it's-" Dan tries to say, but Phil scoffs and cuts him off.

"You're such bullshit sometimes," he spits. "I'm going out."

"What?" Dan asks, panicked. "It's theee in the morning!"

"Yeah, I know," Phil assures him. "All the better."

"You can't leave me here alone!" Dan pleads. "Phil, please!"

"Just pretend like I'm here in my room- it's not like you ever bother to say a word to me anyway," Phil replies venomously. He grabs a pair of boxers, jeans and a t-shirt.

"Phil-" Dan tries again.

"Shut up," Phil sighs tiredly. "I'm so tired of the same over and over again. It's tearing me apart and you don't even care."

"You can't leave me alone," Dan pleads. "The whole reason I initiated this was because I needed a distraction!" Phil scoffs incredulously.

"There!" he cries. "You don't even see that  _that's_ the issue! You don't care about me or my wellbeing! You needed a distraction so you came and tried to get me to fuck you. Afterwards, you'd retreat and leave me even more lonely and confused than before!"

"You can't leave," Dan repeats. Phil opens the door.

"Look," he says, walking through it. "This is me leaving. You don't get to tell me what I can and can't do. I'm an adult, Daniel- I make my own choices. So piss off." He slams the door behind him, seething as he walks to the bathroom and changes. Dan doesn't bother trying to stop him when he goes to exit the flat, he notices.

Not that he cares, of course.


	7. The Less Time That I Spend With You, The Less You Need To Heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. I forgot this was a thing. Sorry for the delay. :(

Dan pulls his blanket over his head, burying himself beneath the fabric.

Maybe he'll get lucky and suffocate or something.

He pokes his head out some time later, the sun shining through the blinds and, well,  _blinding_ him.

No pun intended, of course.

He should apologise. He should say something, talk to Phil and try to smooth over it all.

He should, but he can't. 

 _I really am such a dick,_ Dan thinks, burying his face in his pillow. If he closes his eyes he can almost pretend everything is okay, that the world isn't falling apart, that he's not dying inside.

"I'm fine," he's told everyone.

_I lie. I'm so very far from fine._

Dan sees the toll this whole thing is taking on him, on Phil, on their professional careers and personal lives. Dan hasn't uploaded in a month- he's just not motivated; why bother?- while Phil works tirelessly, editing his own content to perfection. He hasn't seen Phil in days, hasn't spoken to him. It's awful, but neither one of them can say those two simple words that could help bring it all around.

_I'm sorry._

_I'm so sorry for everything. I'm the worst person ever, and I'm sorry you have to deal with me, but I don't want you to leave- please, never leave me. I'm selfish and I'm fucked up and I'm terribly self-centered and awful, but I want you. I want you so badly. I've always wanted you and I had you and I fucked it all up, but please, forgive me._

It's ridiculous to even think about. If Phil had a lick of sense in his brilliant mind, he would've left months ago, Dan is sure, but as it is he's blind and he's stupidly loyal, so he hasn't.

But he will.

Dan feels his chest constrict as that thought.

If he doesn't do something soon, Phil will leave him, and Dan will be right back where he was- alone and afraid and numb and empty, without purpose and just... broken.

_More broken then I am right now._

Dan can't let that happen. He has to take the first step.

The only question is...  _how?_


	8. Loving You Is Hard (Being Here Is Harder)

Phil sits on his bed, running a hand through his hair as he pulls up his Tumblr.

_Omfg have you guys seen this_

Phil swallows back the scream building up in his throat.

_Report:_

_Copyright infringement._

_Thank you. Your request has been submitted._

Phil closes his laptop. He really doesn't want to do this right now.

There's a soft knock on his door- so quiet that he almost misses it. A piece of paper slides beneath the door, and Phil can recognise Dan's messy scrawl from here. Reluctantly, he walks over and picks it up, reading over the note.

_Hey._

_I really don't know what to say, Phil. I'm sorry. That's really all I can say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for treating you like absolute shit when you've done nothing wrong. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for acting like a complete fucking psycho. I'm sorry for everything._

_I want you back, Phil. That's all I want, all I need._

_Hopefully we can work through this, because this is killing me, and I know it's doing the same to you. I haven't listened, I wouldn't listen, and I've hurt you._

_If you'll give me a chance, I'm going to try to fix this._

_Once more, I'm sorry- for everything._

_Yours,_

_Bear_


	9. He Spun Me A Story Where Winning Looks Like Losing (And I Win Every Time)

Phil throws open Dan's door, and Dan immediately shrinks back.

"What the fuck is this?" Phil demands.

"I-" Dan begins, but Phil cuts him off.

"You ignore me for weeks, you criticise me every chance you get, you publicly humiliate me, and now, all of a sudden, you're  _sorry?_ " Phil scoffs, shaking his head. "I can't believe you sometimes!"

"At least I took the initiative!" Dan shouts, standing up from his desk. "What did you do, Phil?"

"I did exactly what you asked!" Phil shouts back, slamming his hand down on Dan's dresser. "You told me to leave you alone, to give you space, and I did! Now you're going to yell at me because I did what you told me to? You're ridiculous!"

"I'm trying!" Dan cries, pushing his chair over. "I'm fucking trying my best to fix what I've done and you-" He kicks the chair- "don't even care! When will anything ever be enough for you, Phil?"

"What the hell are you on about now?" Phil asks, crossing his arms.

"I'm trying to fix this mess I've created between us, Phil!" Dan screams. The words hang in the air for a long moment.

"You're right," Phil finally says quietly, the agitation seeping out of his body. "No, I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come in here and shouted at you like that. I'm just-" He wipes his eyes and draws in a ragged breath. "I'm so tired of all this fighting, Daniel. Day and night and night and day- it never ends. I want you back; I want to be able to talk to you, to joke around and laugh and be your friend. Living with you right now, it's like living with a stranger." Dan sits on his bed, motioning for Phil to do the same. "No, I'm good."

"That's the problem, Phil," Dan whispers. "You're good, and I'm not. You deserve the universe and I am hardly a star."

"If you're a star, you're the Sun," Phil replies, leaning against the wall. "You're the most important star to me."

"We both know that's not true," Dan tells him, laughing humourlessly.

"What have we become, Dan?" Phil asks, looking out the window. "Who are we now?"

"We're Dan and Phil," Dan answers. "Just the same as we've always been, as we always will be.

"We just need to work past these issues we've created."


	10. Now You’re Just Another One Of My Problems Because You Got Out Of Hand (We Won’t Survive; We’re Sinking Into The Sand)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna get this finished today and if I don't, feel free to attack me on Tumblr (@pina-colester).

Phil doesn't mean to do it.

It's practically instinct by this point to avoid Dan, to avoid him physically and emotionally.

He makes desperate attempts to connect, but it's not easy in any way. Phil isn't the only one who's adjusted to this new way of living, after all.

It takes time to fix things like this.

It's too bad time is the easiest thing to take and waste, but the most difficult thing to give.


	11. These Are The Lives You’d Love To Lead (This Is The Way They’d Love Me If They Knew How Misery Loved Me

Dan stares at the chat as it moves, reading over it as he tries to choose a topic to talk about.

"Yeah?" he laughs weakly. "Well, let me tell you a thing." He launches into a half hearted rant about societal issues, but his thoughts are elsewhere.

_You've got the perfect life, haven't you?_

_You have it all figured out. Lucky._

Dan noted those two comments almost thirty minutes ago, but they haven't left his mind since.

He acts intelligent and deep, but it's just that- an act.

They say he acts too cocky, too brash, too perfect, but it's all an act. He uses that to trick himself.

Dan wishes he had it all figured out, but he doesn't. There's a man two rooms away who can vouch for that fact.

Dan bites his lip as he trails off.

"I gotta go," he excuses himself. He hastily apologises and ends the stream, knocking on Phil's door.

Dan needs to fix something, somewhere. He just doesn't know what, or where quite yet.

That doesn't mean he can't try, though.


	12. Wishing On A Star That’s Just A Satellite, Driving In A Car With Broken Tail-Lights (Growing Up WIth Eyes Glued Shut)

Phil stares out the window as he listens to Dan talk indistinctly.

_Star light, prob'ly a satellite, first... light I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight._

_Just give me my friend back. Please. I want him back._

"Hey," Dan says quietly. Phil jumps, his face colouring slightly.

"Hi," he replies. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," Dan answers quietly. "Do you mind if I..." He trails off, gesturing vaguely.

"Not at all," Phil assures him, trying to hide how his heart swells.

_Thanks, star that turned out not to be a satellite after all._

Dan sits on Phil's bed, casting a small smile at him. Phil sits beside him, and suddenly Dan hugs him tightly.

"Oh, _okay_ ," Phil gasps, not hiding his surprise. "Hi." He hugs Dan back, breathing in the familiar scent of him. It's been so long- too long.

"I've missed this," Dan whispers, his fingers curling through Phil's hair. "We're friends, Phil, and we've been acting like enemies at worst and strangers at best."

"I know," Phil murmurs, gently rubbing Dan's back between his shoulder blades. "I'm sorry."

"We need to fix this," Dan pleads, pulling back. "Please. We have to." He sounds young, looks even younger, and Phil sighs tiredly.

"Coffee," he finally says. "Me and you, at Starbucks, like old times. Yes?"

"Yes," Dan agrees. "Just me and you and coffee?"

"Like old times," Phil confirms. "We're going to catch up.

"We're going to fix it all, nice and neat, judt like it was before."


	13. Come Take A Walk On The Wild Side (Let Me Kiss You Hard In The Pouring Rain)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise if this sucks.  
> I blame anxiety medications and their side effects on my psychological and physiological health even the afternoon after.

_Six months later_

Dan sighs contentedly as Phil wraps an arm around him.

"I love you," Phil whispers into Dan's hair.

"I love you too," Dan mumbles back, nestling closer to Phil's body.

"What are we, Daniel?" Phil suddenly asks. Dan looks up.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"I don't know," Phil sighs. "Are we friends? Are we business partners? Are we lovers? Are we friends with benefits? We never really talked about this, so what are we?"

Dan is silent for a few seconds, but then he reaches up and kisses Phil hard.

"We're whatever we want to be," he whispers, pulling back. Phil stares at him in shock, but gladly kisses Dan back.

"I want to be what we were before this mess," Phil murmurs against Dan's lips. "If you're okay with that, I mean."

"Absolutely," Dan replies.

"Then lovers," Phil pleads. "I want to be lovers."

"Then lovers we are," Dan agrees. "Stay that way?"

"We stay that way," Phil agrees. "Dan and Phil?"

"Dan and Phil."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to type that last chapter now. Let's end this thing!


	14. Over The Coming Years, Many Things Will Change (But The Way I Feel Will Always Stay The Same)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We did it we did it two WIPs down we did it

_January 1st, 2017_

Dan laughs brightly as Phil shoves him into the couch.

"You suck!" Phil cries, but he's laughing as well.

"And you blow," Dan shoots back. Phil snorts, flopping down beside him.

"We both know that's not true," he replies, poking Dan's dimple. Dan swats him away.

"Shut up," he giggles, sitting on Phil's lap and wrapping his arms around Phil's shoulders, burying his face into the crook of his neck.

"Do you realise that five years ago, this wasn't an option?" Phil murmurs, his hands sliding up Dan's shirt.

"Yeah, well, our 2012 selves were little whiny brats," Dan replies, kissing along Phil's neck. "2012 never saw half this shit coming."

"That's true," Phil laughs, pushing Dan off of him. "Stop it; you can't get me all riled up this early."

"Perfect start to the new year," Dan argues, but he moves to the couch and lies across the older man's lap. " _You're_ perfect."

"I disagree," Phil replies, leaning down and kissing Dan's lips slowly. Dan bites gently at Phil's bottom lip, his fingers curling through Phil's dark hair.

"I love you," Dan murmurs. It feels good to say those words, even now. It feels like a tiny act of defiance, loving this man.

"I love you too," Phil replies, smoothing Dan's brown hair from his forehead. Dan sits up, leaning on Phil and letting his fingers intertwine with Phil's.

"In the coming years, Phil," Dan says quietly, "many things will change."

"But the way I feel," Phil finishes, "will always stay the same."

"I love that line," Dan admits. "It's probably one of my favourite Panic! At The Disco lyrics ever."

"For good reason," Phil replies. "It's a good line."

"It's a true line," Dan says. "No matter what, I'll always love you." Phil smiles, rubbing the back of Dan's hand with his thumb.

"I'll always love you, too," he tells Dan gently. "It's me and you against the world.

"You're always going to have me behind you, though."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HECK YES!  
> We're done we're done!  
> Whoop whoop!

**Author's Note:**

> Complete! I did it!
> 
> Did you like this? If so, check out some of my other stuff. I have something for everyone.
> 
> Fluff? _Intertwined_  
>  Angst? _The A Team_  
>  Smut? _Not On Fire_  
>  Chaptered? _Born To Die_
> 
> I'm gonna be around for a very long while, so there's going to be more too.
> 
> Love always,  
> Phanwich ♡


End file.
